A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch.  He'd been prospecting for 
more than a year.  
	"Hey!  Y'got any wimmen around here?"
	"Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
	"I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled.  He
downed his drink and left disgustedly.
A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again.
He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through
this part of town?"
	"Nope.  Nary a one.  But we still got George in the back room."
	Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of 
thing," and turned on his heel and left.
	Within a year he came back from his mine again.  With a wild look on
his face he re-entered the saloon.  Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people
'round here would know?"
	"Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess."
	"Seven!?"
	"Yep.  You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down.  You see,
George don't go for that kind of thing neither."
%
A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works.
		-- Bobby Knight
%
A huge Rambolike fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of
the bar.  After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his
right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers.  Anyone have a problem with
that?"
	When no one said a word, the brawny fellow ordered another whiskey,
downed it in one gulp, turned to the five men on his left and said, "You're
all cocksuckers.  Anyone have a problem with that?"
	Everybody on the left stared silently into his drink.  Suddenly, a man
on the right stood up and started walking toward the big guy.  "Hey, asshole!"
the thug bellowed.  "You got a problem with what I said?"
	"No problem at all," came the reply.  "I was just sitting at the wrong
end of the bar."
%
A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream.  "Help! Help, I
can't thwim!"  One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned
over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream.  Just reach out
and grab that buoy near you."  To which the floundering sodomite answered,
"Buoy!  Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!"
%
A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him
three straight scotches.  The bartender complied, and watched as he downed
them one after another.
	"Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath.
	"Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job."
	"Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me."
	"No, thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get
the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will."
%
	A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers.  The
bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is.
	"I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies.
	About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and
6 chasers.  So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?"
	To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers
are lovers."
	Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders
NINE shots and NINE beers.  The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone
in your family like pussy?"
	"Yeah.  Me and my sister."
%
A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom
asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom.  I got laid!"
	She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after
work.  "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men
should keep it a secret.  Women just don't understand these things."
	So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in:
"You get laid today, Billy?"
	"Yeah, Dad."
	"How was it?"
	"Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot."
	"Good Boy!".
	A month later: "You get laid today?"
	"No, Dad."
	"No?  How come?"
	"Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore."
%
A young man walks into a bus station, and goes into the men's room to relieve
himself.  When he steps in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous penis
he has ever seen.  As he urinates, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member
of the tiny man dressed in green.  The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him
if he is indeed a real leprechaun.
	The little man says, "Aye, me laddie, I'm a leprechaun, and I can
grant you three wishes."
	"Oh, wow!" comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"
	"Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the
ladies, the thing not fittin' and all...  I'll grant you your three wishes
if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick 'til I come."  The man is a bit taken
aback, but agrees, realizing that the three wishes will be priceless.  After
the tiny fellow has come, he starts to walk away.
	The man exclaims, "Hey, what about my three wishes?"
	Replies the leprechaun, "How old are you, me boy?"
	"25."
	"Aren't you a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?"
%
Another stupid gay joke!!!
	You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry
daquiri.  The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't 
serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come
in and kick your ass?"
	The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo
thurstay...."
	Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer
on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon 
as he's done.  A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the 
bar.  He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could
lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!"
	From the back of the bar comes the cry...  "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!"
%
	Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
boat into the lake.  Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
	By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
teeth were chattering like all get out.  Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
	Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
Leroy, listen closely.  Bubba is in great danger.  He has hy-po-thermia.  Now
what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him.  Then you all
get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
You understand me Leroy?  You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
	Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
pier.  "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
	"Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
%
	Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller
and stuck out his hand.  "Son," he said.  "Tell the truth.  It ain't better
than fried chicken, is it?"
	Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said:
	"I got to be dead honest, Roy."
	And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him.
	Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she
ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who
can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the
finest I've ever had."
		-- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough"
%
Everyone:	"Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you,
		Amen!"
Bruce:		"Another two!  (Bottles opening.)  Any questions?"
Bruce:		"New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?"
Bruce:		"Are you a Poofter?"
New-Bruce:	"No!"
Bruce:		"No.  Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules:
	Rule One!"
Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
Bruce:		"Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos
	in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching.  Rule Three?"
Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
Bruce:		"Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not
	drinking.  Rule Five..."
Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
Bruce:		"Rule Six, there is NO... Rule Six.  Rule Seven..."
Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
Bruce:		"Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce.  This
	here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a
	bottle, you can hold it in your hand.  Amen!
		-- Monty Python
%
Female ballet dancers are the bravest girls around.  Who else would take a
flying leap into the arms of a homosexual and expect to be caught?
		-- Rita Rudner
%
For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral
sex on him, but to no avail.  His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was
simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let
alone attempt it.  But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and
one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act.  When it was
over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I,
sweetheart?"
	He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no cocksucker!"
%
He was so gay he'd never lean his ass on a baseball bat -- scared it'd get
serious.
%
	"Hello, Police Department."
	"This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court.  I've just been sexually 
molested by a pervert, right here in my own home.  It was horrifying!"
	"Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
	"Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask.  I was napping
on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything.
Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off.  I was so frightened!  He
held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly.  What could I do?  I
couldn't stop him.  He was huge.  A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty 
pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible.  He had an
erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
throat; forced me to suck it.  Yes, officer!  There was no escaping this man.
Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on 
my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
say it, he put that huge thing...  It must have been a foot long, and I don't
know how thick... into my...  Just a minute."
	"What's the matter, mister?"
	"Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."
%
HEY KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
	A great way to prevent the tragedy of unwanted pregnancy is to
become a homosexual.  Every year, millions of young men and women, just
like you, are making the clean change to worry-free homosexuality.
They're having more sex than ever, and more fun than ever.  Send 50 cents
today for my leaflet "Gay sexual techniques".  Be sure to specify the
male or female edition.
%
If God doesn't destroy San Francisco, He should apologize to Sodom and
Gomorrah.
%
In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay
chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the
principal factor.  The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been
sucked into it.
%
In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
		-- Will Durst
%
	Liberace was at heaven's gate when Saint Peter told him that he'd been
disqualified from entering.
	Stunned, Liberace asked, "Why?"
	"Our records show that you once ate a parakeet," Saint Peter answered.
	"I never did that," Liberace replied.  "Can't you check your records?
They *must* be wrong!"
	"It says right here that on August 15, 1981, you ate a chartreuse
parakeet with black trim."
	"Hey, listen, you must be thinking of Ozzy Osbourne, " Liberace
replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..."
%
Little Boy Blew... he needed the money.
%
One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting.  Feeling a sudden need
to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped
his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and
bit him on his penis.  Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend
Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he used the radio to
call a doctor.
	"There's only one way to save your friend's life," said the doctor
gravely.  "If you cut a shallow 'X' over the bite and then suck as much of
the poison out as you can, he'll probably be okay, but otherwise there's not
much hope."
	Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and
cried out, "Fred, what'd he say?  What did the doctor say?"
	"George, old friend," said Fred sadly, "he said you're gonna die."
%
Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a
state of great libidal distress.  Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a
dove flying by.  "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter)
and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest.  Feathers flew, and
eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they
shout, too):
	"I'm a dove!  I've been loved!  And I LIKE it!"
	Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he
was at it again.  All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers
flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted:
	"I'm a lark!  I've been sparked!  And I LIKE it!"
	As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of
amor... lib... you know!  This time, all that happened by was... a duck!
So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck
tottering to the cliffside and shouting:
	"I'M A DRAKE!  THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE!  AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
%
	Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty
immensely profitable years in the construction business.
	"You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have
constructed dozens of enormous projects in and around this city, but
am I known as Sam the Builder?  No.
	And over the years I have contributed literally millions of
dollars to charitable causes of one sort or another, but am I called
Sam the Philanthropist?  No sir!
	But suck one little cock..."
%
The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS is trying to convince
your parents that you're Haitian.
%
The new rooster caused a great stir in the barnyard.  From resplendent comb
to defiant spurs, he was the picture of young bantamhood.  Almost immediately
upon arrival, he was greeted by and elderly rooster who took him behind the
barn and whispered in his ear: "Young fellow, I'm long past my prime.  All I
want now is peace and solitude.  So you take over right now as ruler of the
roost with my blessings."
	The newcomer did just that.  He went about his squirely duties as only
a young rooster could.  After several days, however, the elder rooster again
took the young champion behind the barn.  "Kid," he said, "the hens are after
me for giving up my position so readily.  So why don't we have a race, say,
ten laps around the farmhouse?  The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the
henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me.
	The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed.  
Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead.  His counterpart, 
weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to
overtake him.  As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster 
maintained a formidable lead.
	Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out.  The young rooster fell in the 
dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot.
	"Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer.  "That's the last rooster we buy
from Ferguson.  Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer."
%
The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the
community.  The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald.
%
The warden of the De Luxington preparatory school for boys was holding a
hearing.  The lad before his desk, a very popular young fellow, was angrily
accusing one of his schoolmates of having assaulted him sexually.
	"I must warn you, m'boy, this is a very serious charge, the warden
said.
	"I don't care.  I tell you it is true.  He raped me, warden."  The
youth pointed to another, somewhat larger boy smirking in the corner.
"That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against
nature.  The bully!"
	"Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened."
	"Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same 
evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on
Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since."
%
Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or 
swear, and never, ever made a pass at her.  He also made his own dresses.
%
There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco -- the pervertible.
The top doesn't go down, but the driver does.
%
	This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters
with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands
dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him.
	"Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks.
	Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim,
the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next
requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position.
	"Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the
guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of
being so helpless.
	"Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door.  "I can't do a
*thing* 'til my nails dry!"
%
	Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they
were rear-ended by a huge semi.  Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the
side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck
driver.  "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked.
	Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to 
deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl,
"Ah, why doncha suck my cock."
	"Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going
to be able to settle out of court."
%
Two gentlemen met at the club after a long absence and talked.
	"Did you hear about Chumley?", one asked.
	"No, old man, what about him?"
	"Last seen in Africa, you know."
	"No, I didn't."
	"Yes.  Appalling.  Ran off with a gorilla.  Fallen in love."
	"Queer."
	"Not Chumley.  Female gorilla."
%
Two men and a woman were stranded on a desert island --

Two weeks later, the woman was so ashamed of what she had been doing,
she committed suicide.

Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they had been doing,
they buried her.

Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they had been doing,
they dug her back up.
%
Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a
divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."

What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge
in unusual sex practices?"

"No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."
%
Well, it seems that there was this traveling saleswoman whose car broke
down, late at night, in the middle of a torrential downpour.  Hoping to
find a phone she ran to a nearby farmhouse.  When she was unable to find
a garage still open, the farmer told her that, while they were short of
beds, she could sleep with his daughter.  The daughter proved to eighteen
and beautiful.  So they went to bed, and shortly afterward, the saleswoman
rolled over toward the daughter and said, "Dear, I'm sure that you're aware
that some women like... to be with... other women.  Let me be frank..."
	"No!" interrupted the daughter, sternly.  "This time *I* want to
be Frank!"
%
 WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU MEET A QUEER PERSON:
                        HINTS FOR HETEROSEXUALS
 
 
1.      Do not run screaming from the room.  This is rude.
 
2.      If you must back away, do so slowly and with discretion.
 
3.      Do not assume she/he is attracted to you.
 
4.      Do not assume he/she is not attracted to you.
 
5.      Do not assume that you are not attracted to her/him.
 
6.      Do not expect him/her to be as excited about meeting a straight
        person as you may be about meeting a queer person.
		-- ae606@freenet.carleton.ca (Victoria Edwards)
		   [soc.women.lesbian-and-bi]
%
Women's Libbers are OK.  I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
%
You'll be a guest at a gay party that will have important consequences for you.
%