A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. -- Friedrich Nietzsche % A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car. The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate to be alive. The Catholic crossed himself. Then the Protestant crossed himself in an accentuated manner. "Hey," said the Catholic, "I why did you cross yourself, you're not Catholic!" "Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again, "spectacles, testicles, wallet, pen." % A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra % A clever prophet makes sure of the event first. % A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. -- H. L. Mencken % A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs. % A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?" "Oh, you don't want to look down there. That's hell!" The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad," he says. Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down. "Damn!" he snaps, "Those Mormons have been irrigating again!" % A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it. By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out, "Is anybody there?" A deep majestic voice answered, "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?" "Help me!!" cried the man. "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust." The man thought for a moment and cried out: "Anybody ELSE up there?" % A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle. % "A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and the police." -- Mr. Dooley % A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes. -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy" % A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is having fun. % A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?" The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop." "Well, could you get any higher than that?" "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I might be made an Archbishop." "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?" "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal." "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I supose that I could be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will." "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go up from being the Pope?" "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!" The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it." % "Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science." -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" % All Gods were immortal. -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" % All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most injurious things against him, but we never hear his side. -- Mark Twain % All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog. -- R. Crumb % Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted to a certain publicity and impartiality. All proffered samples of learning must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to common tests. It is the essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that any such "show-down" is sacrilegious and perverse. The characteristic of religion, from their point of view, is that it is intellectually secret, not public; peculiarly revealed, not generally known; authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested in ordinary ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion is conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists, there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in religion in the same sense in which we speak of education in topics where the method of free inquiry has made its way. The "religious" would be the last to be willing that either the history of the content of religion should be taught in this spirit; while those to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely a technical device, but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must protest against its being taught in any other spirit. -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908 % An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support. % "And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, provideth that they are nice and fresh.'" -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion" % ...And have you ever noticed that you never see the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost partying together at the same time? Oh, sure, everybody talks like they aren't the same person, but I wonder... % And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What?" % ...and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assured we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions. This is true in religion as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the naive. As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we might be advised to leave them to heaven. They will not, unfortunately, do us the same courtesy. They attack us and each other, and whatever their protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are frustated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to obscure such reality. -- Steve Allen % And on the third day, Christ arose, pushed aside the rock that had served as the tomb door, and walked again on the earth. And as he departed, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left open. "What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?" % Ankh if you love Isis. % Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent. -- Lazarus Long % As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions -- to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy -- and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are suprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind. -- Steve Allen % As the Catholic church becomes more and more tolerant, some day they will have to consider the possibility of a gay pope. Possibly the largest issue will be having to decide whether he is "absolutely divine" or "just simply marvelous." % As the recent sightings of bumper stickers reading "IN CASE OF RAPTURE, THIS VEHICLE WILL BE UNMANNED" have created a great deal of confusion, Fortune offers the following excerpts from the 1989 printing of the State of Maryland Driver's Handbook: If you notice a glorious light in the sky, a sound as of an infinite choir of unearthly voices, and a host of winged beings descending from the heavens, do not panic. If you are on the freeway, move to the shoulder as soon as it is safe to do so, activate your hazard blinkers, and wait for the end of the world. If you are Saved, it is especially important that you do this BEFORE you are carried to your Eternal Reward, in order that your vehicle not become a hazard to others. Remember, Rapture is the number one cause of automobile accidents during major spiritual upheavals. You may experience a feeling of discorporation ("being pulled from one's body") while driving. To ensure the safety of your passengers and other drivers, move to the shoulder as soon as you notice any of the following symptoms: -- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness. -- Visions of the faces of deceased family members. -- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintainance officers, who wear dark blue and safety orange.) Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings. If still in your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive you to a hospital at once. If you find yourself in the Kingdom of God, consult the local officials for information on local traffic rules and regulations. % As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion, as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his divinity. -- Benjamin Franklin % Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, If God won't have you, the devil must. % Atheism is a non-prophet organization. % Better the prince of some inferior court, Than second, or less, in beatific light. -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer" % Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell. -- St. Augustine % Brother Jim's recent appearance on the William and Mary campus this past week was cut short by an ingenious device designed by two computer science students. A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined, with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of the small Gideon bibles. The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected to provide up to 2,000 PSIG. Prelimary estimates during field testing revealed a muzzle velocity of approximarly 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting the tube. Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on Brother Jim, who suffered a broken rib and numerous small bruises, in addition to the usual humiliation. % Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me. % Catholicism has changed tremendously in the recent years. Now when Communion is served there is also a salad bar. -- Bill Marr % Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him. % Christianity and Judaism aren't all that different, really. Growing up in a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God. In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents. % Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried. -- G. K. Chesterton % Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. -- George Bernard Shaw % "Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our entire intellectualy heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any general understanding of science as an enterprise? -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer" % Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them. -- Madonna % Cthulhu Cthucks! % Cthulhu for President! (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.) % Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later. % David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather. % Dear Ann Landers: My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday. He claims one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something. -- E.J. Mayfield % Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch. -- L. Ron Hubbard % Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed? % Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa? % ... difference of opinion is advantagious in religion. The several sects perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia" % Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your life!" % During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution. -- James Madison % Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed. -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine" % Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me. -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader % Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. -- Lenny Bruce % "Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." -- Mark Twain % Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to all your troubles. -- Andrew Jackson The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country. -- Calvin Coolidge Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be secure which is not supported by moral habits. -- Daniel Webster % God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six days and then pulled an all-nighter. % God is a polytheist. % God is an atheist. % GOD is applied POWER which is applied GOVERNMENT which is applied POLITICS which is applied ADVERTISING which is applied SOCIOLOGY which is applied PSYCHOLOGY which is applied BIOLOGY which is applied CHEMISTRY which is applied PHYSICS which is applied MATH which is applied PHILOSOPHY which is applied BULLSHIT % "God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for I knew that Santa would never lie. % "God is big, so don't fuck with him." % God is not dead -- he's been busted. % God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's. % God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project. % God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills. -- Lazarus Long % God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. % God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft. % God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. % God must love assholes -- She made so many of them. % God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it. % God votes Republican. % God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go. "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter. "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No, it's too hot there." "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?" "No," sighed God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're still talking about it." % God wants us to know that if we see a bumper sticker saying "Honk if you love Jesus" it is a bad idea to honk to express an opinion about Jesus because it will annoy the turkey who put the bumper sticker on as well as everyone else in the vicinity. However, it is just fine to honk to annoy the turkey simply for being a turkey, for God told Man to be fruitful and multiply, and to rule over the beasts of the field and the birds of the air, and that includes the turkeys who buy such bumper stickers. Of course, God understands that innocent bystanders will also be annoyed, but He has wisely created traffic cops to impose some constraint on how much we may annoy the turkeys within city limits, for God's wisdom comprehends full well that thou shalt not make an omelette without breaking eggs. God only wishes they were turkey eggs, so such moral dilemmas shall be fewer in number in the future, when the generations a-coming (hallelujah) won't have so many turkeys to deal with. But God knows full well that such things take time, and the turkeys are showing more resilience than expected, and may be with us for a long time yet. % He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer, Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude". -- Stig's Inferno % Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant, on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning. -- Dr. John Lightfoot, Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University % History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- i.e., none to speak of. -- Lazarus Long % However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and "D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans in the name of "conservatism." -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record % I am an atheist, thank God! % I call Christianity the one great curse, the one enormous and innermost perversion, the one great instinct of revenge, for which no means are too venomous, too underhand, too underground and too petty -- I call it the one immortal blemish of mankind. -- Fredrich Nietzsche % I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church. -- Thomas Paine % I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use. -- Galileo Galilei % I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn! -- Heard in Bethlehem % I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an honest difference of opinion. - Isaac Asimov % "I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'" "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of dairy products." -- The Life of Brian % "I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young man as its logo." -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy" % I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from man. % I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe that I could have been created by man. % If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as plentiful as blackberries. -- Leslie Stephen % If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour. -- William Blake % If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him. -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI" % "If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 apostles." % If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows. -- Yiddish saying % If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible carpenter. -- Gene Kirkwood, on Hollywood % If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it. -- Thomas Carlyle % If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor, it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would get an unfair advantage. -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908 % If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world. -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" % If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation, I would have recommended something simpler. -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile, Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy. % If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you should join THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma: -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which UFOs come. -- That pi equals precisely 3.000. -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals. -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared the circle. -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job. -- That pi equals precisely 22/7. Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject of a forthcoming Papal Bull ... % If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists in the Bible. -- Mordecai Richler % If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven. % Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try. -- John Lennon, "Imagine" % "In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality at any point." -- Friedrich Nietzsche % In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty. -- Thomas Jefferson % In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago." -- Dennis Miller, SNL News % In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be mud." And there was mud. And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud can see what we have done." And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was man. Mud-as-man alone could speak. "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely. "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God. "Certainly," said man. "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God. And He went away. -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu" % "Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time someone writes `bible thumpers?' -- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu % It is convenient that there be gods, and, as it is convenient, let us believe there are. -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) % It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son, man. -- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy % "It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side." -- Frank Zappa % It seems that a rabbi, a priest and a minister decided to go fishing one sunny afternoon. All three climbed into the boat and headed for the middle of the lake. After several hours of relaxation, the minister decided that "nature was calling", and climbed out of the boat and walked ashore. In a few moments, he walked back out to the boat and climbed back in. The rabbi was absolutely astonished, but decided not to mention the apparent miracle. A few minutes later, the priest also decided to go ashore for a moment, and climbed out of the boat, walked to shore, and a few minutes later came back. By now the rabbi was in great distress and had begun to doubt his beliefs and wonder if there might be some validity to the Christian teachings. But he immediately reaffirmed the fact that his faith WAS JUST AS STRONG as either the priest's or the minister's and decided that anything they could do, with God's help, he could do as well. The rabbi then announced that he needed relief and would walk to shore. He climbed out of the boat and went straight to the bottom of the lake. While the rabbi was thrashing about in the water, the priest turned to the minister and said, "So... do you think we ought to tell him where the rocks are?" % It seems that there was this Christian about to be thrown to the lions. He was shoved into the middle of the arena and the lion was released. Being a good Christian, as the lion approached he knelt and prayed, asking God for forgiveness for his (few) sins, and begging that the lion might be dissuaded from eating him for its breakfast. Much to his dismay, the lion didn't stop but kept coming, getting faster and faster, now almost running, so the Christian took off too. There they were, running around and around the arena, the lion getting closer and the Christian praying harder and harder between gasps for breath. The lions breath was now hot upon his heels and he could even feel droplets of the lions saliva splashing on his bare feet. So he pulled out all the stops, promising God that if the lion will only spare him, he will devote the rest of his life to spreading the Christian faith, forsaking all temptation and possessions. Suddenly he no longer felt the lions breath, no longer heard the great beast's snarls close behind him. Slowing to a stop, he turned around and saw the lion on its knees, eyes rolled upward, paws held together. The lion appeared to be muttering something so the Christian approached until he could make out what the lion was saying. "Dear Lord, for what I am about to receive..." % ... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability. -- Sidney Hook % Jehovah is an alien and still threatens this planet! % Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time. % Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one among you who is without sin cast the first stone..." Right about then, a rock comes winging through the air and hits Jesus upside the head. He whirls around and shouts "Alright, Mom, c'mon! I'm trying to make a point, here!" % Jesus Never Fails (He's never taken the Massachusetts Bar Exam, either.) % Jesus Saves! (And Esposito scores on the rebound!) % Jesus Saves, Moses Invests, But only Buddha pays Dividends. % Jesus Saves, Moses Invests, But only Buddha pays Dividends. % "Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!" -- Daniel Hinojosa % Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority. % John Paul II is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing his lips to foreign soil on his arrival. This sparked some wit to remark: "The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on the women!" % LET Jesus be YOUR anchor! So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard! % Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning. The next morning she came into Herbie's room and asked him if he'd prayed hard the night before. "Yes, Mommie," was his reply, "all night long!" "Well, then," she said, "open your eyes and you'll know that your prayers have been answered." Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out, "Mother! Mother! I still can't see!" "I know, dear," said his mother, "April Fool." % Man proposes, God disposes. -- Thomas `a Kempis % Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It is not so. It is so. It is not so. -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack" % Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God is a cruel and capricious tyrant. -- Edward Gibbon % Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either. % My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus. -- T. Bywater % Newsflash: Apparently the rapture did occur last Tuesday as was originally predicted. All true believers were transported to heaven while the rest of us were left behind to await the Anti-Christ and the end of the world. Widespread reports that the rapture had not occurred stemmed from expectations that the effect would be more widespread than it turned out to be. The definition of "true believer" was apparently more restrictive than expected, however, and the only qualifiers were a family of five, living in Stenton, North Dakota. % "Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends." -- Woody Allen % Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind- bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God. The argument follows: "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing." "But," says Man, "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguements, you don't. QED." "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic. -- D. Adams % Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" % Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first group and lost all the friends I had made and I joined up with this new group. I fought like hell for them. But another group came around. They exposed the word of my group as false and materialistic. Their word was very much better. So I quit the second group and lost all the friends I had made. And I joined up with this new group. I fought like hell for them. Till this one guy came along and proved that there wasn't any word at all. That I should go off as an individual and grow! So I quit the last group and lost all the friends I had made. And now I sit home alone all day and all I do is grow. It would be nice to join up with some others who feel the way I do. -- J. Feiffer % One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. % One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good, nobody can touch Him. -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983 % One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist. -- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe" % One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being counted. -- Thomas B. Reed % Pain is just God's way of hurting you. % Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises... All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most CREEPING things... Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars? P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone can get in. A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff! P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED CATERPILLARS! [...] P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat a LITTLE SQUIRREL? A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day. P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya? A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry. P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick! A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh) par for the course, Charlie. -- Firesign Theatre % Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing Half a pound of tuppenny rice Half a pound of treacle That's the way the chimney smokes Pope Goestheveezl The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" % Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur" % Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion. -- Blake % Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. -- Anatole France % Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple. % Religion is fine, Churchianity sucks. % Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon % Religions revolve madly around sexual questions. % Seems like these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, with the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please show me a sign, so they too will know that I understand Your laws." It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his plaint, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that stormclouds form on hot days. So he asked again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign." This time four stormclouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning knocked down a tree ten feet away from the rabbis. The cloud dispersed at once. "I told you I was right!" insisted the loner, but the others insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes. The insisting rabbi is all ready to ask for a *very big* sign when just as he says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!" The sky returns to normal. The one rabbi puts his hands on his hips and snarls, "Well?" "Okay, okayyyy," replied another, "so now it's 3 to 2!" % Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around. During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!" A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!" "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!" % She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you. Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored women the world would be a different place, I can tell you. -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple" % Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer. [If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.] -- Voltaire % Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy. % Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You. % So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. -- Bertrand Russell % So, if there's no God, who changes the water? -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl % So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever remember his Bible? % So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back? % Some people seem to think that "damn" is God's last name. % Some things have to be believed to be seen. % Such evil deeds could religion prompt. -- Titus Lucretius Carus % Sure banking is Biblical! How about when Onan received a substantial penalty for early withdrawal? Or when Pharaoh's daughter went into the bulrushes and came out with a little prophet? And it was Moses who led the Children of Israel to the Banks of the Jordan! % Taoism: Shit Happens. Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit Happens". Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. Hinduism: This shit has happened before. Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else. Catholicism: Shit happens, but you deserved it. Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US? % Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother. -- Len Cool, "American Pie" % Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical fact, for he merely said: "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain because it is impossible." Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. -- C.G. Jung, "Psychological Types" [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church. Ed.] % "That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be omnipotent, let me tell you 'tabernacle' has only one l." -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" % The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma. -- Abraham Lincoln % The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity; the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion; and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity. -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire" % The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors. -- Thomas Jefferson % The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God." So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God, please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he sees nothing but goyim..." "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think you got problems. What about my son?" % The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity. -- John Adams % "The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also." "I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be. But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a valuable posession to him." "I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection mught be reasonable enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews would tire of the spectacle eventually." -- Mark Twain % The ecumenical movement has reached a milestone with the agreement on the text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria". % ... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19 % The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is the Bible. -- John Quincy Adams All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book; but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable to man are contained in it. -- Abraham Lincoln ... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of life, the nature of God and spirtual nature and need of men. It is the only guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation. -- Woodrow Wilson % The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell. -- St. Augustine % The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell. -- Bertrand Russell % The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain, knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight. "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's still in." % The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Indian Giver be the name of the Lord. % The Messiah will come. There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated. -- Rabbi Meir Kahane % The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority, to commit adultery. Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined the printers L3,000. -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" % The nearer to the church, the further from God. -- John Heywood % The new priest was so nervous about performing his first mass that he could hardly speak. He asked his Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor replied that it might help relax him to add just a bit of vodka to the water pitcher. The next Sunday, after following the Monsignor's advice, the priest returned to the rectory to find a note from that worthy. (1) Next time sip rather than gulp. (2) There are ten commandments, not 12. (3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. (4) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T". (5) The recommended grace before meals is not, "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yaaaay, God!" (6) Do not refer to our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and his Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys". (7) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. (8) The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as, "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook". (9) It is always the Virgin Mary, never The Mary with the Cherry. (10) Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a Taffy-Pulling Contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling Contest at St. Taffy's. % The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist. -- Stendhal % The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that the first one was useless. -- Nicolas Chamfort % The priest at Sunday mass noticed that Michael took a ten-dollar bill and two one-dollar bills from the collection plate, instead of putting something in. He thought to himself, I'd better watch out for Michael. The next week he noticed the same thing. So he waited outside church when mass was over, and as Michael came out, he accosted his and said, "Michael, tell me -- why did you take out a ten-dollar bill and two singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?" Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I wanted to go downtown for a blow job." The priest looked suprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do that anymore. I'll be watching you from now on." When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed. Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent. He said, "Mother, you've been such a great friend of mine, I have a question I need to ask you. What is a blow job?" Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, twelve dollars, same as downtown." % The reason Roman Catholics are allowed to use the rhythm method of birth control is that it doesn't work. % The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little dissapointed with the dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it. For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was horrified! Then came the children's lesson. For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table. The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against the table as the children gathered around him. He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" There was total silence. He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" Total silence. Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please, sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me." % The Unitarians are really just a bunch of atheists who really like going to church. % The Utah version of this joke goes: One of the Council of the Twelve runs breathlessly into the Presidents' office one day. The President looks up and says "Brother, what is so important that you ran all the way here, losing your breath?" The Council member finally regains his breath, and says "The Savior is in the lobby!!" The President immediate starts for the door, crying "It has come! The prophecies are fullfilled! We are all about to be uplifted!" The Council member says "Wait! You didn't let me finish! She's... black, and SHE IS PISSED!" % The wages of sin are high -- unless you know someone who does it for nothing. % The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum. -- Havelock Ellis % Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner. -- Elbert Hubbard % There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible. -- Richard Davisson % "There is a God, but He drinks" -- Blore % There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick. -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" % There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox. -- George Francis Gillette % This story concerns a man who, after putting his son to bed each night, would stand by his boy's door and listen to his son saying his prayers. One night, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Granddad, who won't be with us much longer." The man thought this was rather curious, but passed it off as childish whimsy. The next day, however, he received a call from his mother, informing him that his father had passed away early that morning. During the next few weeks, he listened particularly closely to his son's prayers, but noticed nothing unusual. Then, one night, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer." Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening weeks, he nontheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the news that their mother had died suddenly in the night. The father had a series of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month later, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Daddy, who won't be with us much longer." The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was going to die during the night. He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy. Morning came. Breathing a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch. There, lying dead on the doorstep, was the milkman. % To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects but your own; to be moral, all pretenses but your own. -- Lionel Strachey % To listen to some devout people, one would imagine that God never laughs. -- Sri Aurobindo % TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING: Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your receving said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen. -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness" % "To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." -- Woody Allen % Unitarians pray "To whom it may concern". % Vatican upholds ban on contraceptives: "To heir is humane," claims the Pope. % We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and when he dies we give him a special hole in the ground ... But after all, he's only a seed, a bloom and a withering stalk among pressing billions. Your Individual is a pretty disgusting, vain, lewd little bastard ... By God, he has only one right guaranteed him in Nature, and that is the right to die and stink to Heaven. -- Ross Lockridge, quoted in "Short Lives" by Katinka Matson % We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prohpet, nor Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition, we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on earth. -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options" % We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. -- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report" % "Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you." % Well, you see there was this neighborhood that had a priest, a minister, and a rabbi who lived near each other. One summer afternoon the priest went out and bought himself a new car, and the minister and rabbi, not to be outdone, did the same. The next day the priest went out and blessed his car. The minister hired a crane and baptized his car in a swimming pool. The rabbi, after thinking seriously for a bit, got a hacksaw and cut three inches off the end of the tail pipe. % "What are you doing?" "Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation period." % What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow in his footsteps? % What if there had been room at the inn? -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity % What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance. What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and all the weak: Christianity. -- Friedrich Nietzsche % "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you didn't believe in God." "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be." -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" % When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect! % When somebody protested at [Pope Alexander VI's] wholesale distribution of pardons for the most heinous crimes -- one of which included the murder of a daughter by the father -- he retorted easily, "It is not God's will that a sinner should die, but that he should live -- and pay." -- E.R. Chamberlin, "The Bad Popes" Judas sold Christ for 30 denari, this man [Pope Alexander VI] would sell him for 29. -- Ottaviano Ubaldini, chamberlain to Pope Alexander VI % Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are. -- Erik Satie % Why I am an atheist: 1. Atheists do not believe in higher powers. 2. God is the highest power. 3. Therefore, God must be an atheist. 4. We should all strive to be like God. 5. We should all be atheists. % Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infintesimal parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all eternity for his faithlessness. -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology", Fortnightly Review, 1876 % Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death. % "You little (such a one who, while wearing a copper nose ring, stands in a footbath atop Mount Raruaruaha during a heavy thunderstorm and shouts that Alohura, Goddess of Lightning, has the facial features of a diseased uloruaha root)!" -- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic" % Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!" -- Johnny Carson %